Last week on my last night in New York, I made a vow.
I married myself in the pink Manhattan sunset.
A commitment that has been a long time coming.
11 years ago, I stood here on the very same spot on the Brooklyn Heights promenade.
Same breathtaking view.
The city of dreams and possibilities. Right in front of me.
But everything felt so far away from me. Like I was in a glass cage. Everything crappy could come at me any second but nothing good could permiate the glas and truly reach my soul and make me feel happiness and provide me with a feeling of connection and safety I was so craving.
In other words: I couldnt feel a thing.
All I felt was deep deep fear of life that paralyzed me.
I was watching the pink sunset and this beautiful woman in her A-Line skirt and her WallStreet-typeish date.
Put my finger on the trigger of my camera – the very first, that I just bought.
The button….. and my feelings.
Just like my ego-programs/fear told me to do when I felt anything that didnt feel good. The same program that got me to NYC in the first place.
It was almost like that shot kickstarted the theme of the next 11 years of my life.
A decade of teachings on love through the absence of it.
I didn’t realize at the time, that I was looking to capture my biggest dream and my deepest longing in life:
A beautiful romantic divine union and forever-partnership between the feminine and masculine.
Being with my mister perfect – creating together and changing the world through love, having it all. Showing everyone what great things are possible in this life. Feeling SAFE IN LIFE – living in faith and power and my highest exitement.
Back then, subconciously it was not an option for me to succeed by myself. Or to even try.
I didnt stand a chance I felt. When I wanted to lean into myself, I fell. Over and over. And my feeling of failure grew. I felt empty and like I was falling into the vast nothingness.
Without a man I felt depressed, helpless and scared. Unworthy and useless.
But on my outside I pretended to be this strong independent woman who didnt need anyone. I put on my armour and kept fighting to prove the fearful people wrong.
Casue my soul knew that fear was not the way for me. But I found myself stuck in it despite that.
And as you might already guessed, the above is pretty contrasted programs that create insane push/pull dynamics, and extreeme self rejection.
I was so desperate for the masculine to show up for me and to show me unconditional love.
It felt like I had no spine, no boundries and like I was way too vulnerable in this world if I didnt have a man to make me feel protected. And at the same time I was so scared of actually recieving love and let in what I really needed.
I was lonely and isolated myself.
No true friends. Cause every time I wanted to connect I felt consumed by others. Always giving. No recieving.
So I lived many many years of my life HIDING behind closed doors. Emotionally and literally.
In that same moment I took that first picture, there was a guy in my life: The guy I had been running after since I was 15. He was in Denmark and I was missing him so much – my world revolved around him.
He became my obsession and my excuse to not do me. Even when I had all the time and possibilities in the world. But I just couldn’t. I was trapped in this attachment that controlled me. I gave him all of my power, leaving myself with crumbs.
Always adjusting myself and my needs to please, being in constant stand-by position. Waiting. Because of programming that told me that’s the way to go to get love.
And then one day I stopped waiting.
And I decided to go and au pair in NYC.
Two weeks before I was leaving Denmark, he suddenly wanted me so badly now that I had chosen myself and decided to go to New York for a year.
Even though I had been right in front of his eyes literally every day for 3 years.
We fell in love and travelled to see me three times in 5 months.
there came a time where I couldnt push myself to be that independent girl anymore. I culdnt take the goodbyes and the hour long skype-calls that only made me mis him more.
So when I saw he was IN, I dropped everything and went back to Denmark and we moved in together the day I landed.
Despite him having broken my heart two years earlier. I didn’t second guess it. I opened up my heart again. Cause I belived in love and the good in people and life.
Also I can thank my programs and a few heavenly contracts for the unfolding of all of the above.
sidenote: I got his initials tattooed on my neck after just 4 months of long distance relationship. I can imagine how scared he must have been on the inside when I showed him on Skype😂
I was…intense, lets just say😄
In the 6 months I was in New York I was so maxed out from pushing myself, from facing reality every day, having responsibilty for other People’s children (and the rest of the world it felt like), being 6000 km away from everything I knew, everybody wanted something from me, I felt I had to be there for eveyone yet nobody was there for me, always gave my all and never got anything back, unable to express myself, feeling like I was a waste of space.
All the while I was experiencing blasting anxiety in full accelleration (that I didnt know was anxiety, I just thought I was a weak-ass loser who should just get a grip and pull herself together).
And nobody knew how I really felt cause I was an expert when it came to putting on a fake happy mask.
This may even come as a surprise to my family to this day.
I do get a bit emotional when I realize how hard I have been on myself and how much I was neglecting myself, my feminine essence and how much I overcompensated with my masculine.
But I forgive myself. It was all perfect and divine co-creation.
I was 19 years old, but 5 years old inside.
Back then I had no awareness compared to what I have now and no idea what the fuck was going on.
I just felt wrong. Weak. Ashamed. Shit scared. In in a City that is brutal if you have a ton of fear programs and what not, running.
Anyways, because of my internal struggles I quickly convinced myself that the NYC adventure wasnt for me.
Why would I be lonely in America when I had these amazing warm big loving arms that I could run into, back where I knew everything and everyone.
He could hold me and take care of me, and he could aknowledge me when I felt like I wasnt good enough. Perfect!
I was in love and about to start living my dream. I had found the love of my life!!
But subconciously I was (we both were) desperate for SAFETY and aknowledgement.
I don’t want to say it wasnt love, cause that not the truth. But it was definietly co-dependency relationship – Exactly like I had sworn myself never to be in! #thepowerofprogramming
I had no passion of my own and no idea who I was.
So I ofcourse found a guy full of passion – for his carreer……and who was an expert in putting himself first and me second. Just like I did 😉
…and I lost myself completely.
I spent 26 years living my worst nightmares. Clinging to everything because of fear of loosing it.
And literally every little thing I feared, my soul and my human self made sure I manifested and experienced. I have started from scratch so many times I cant even begin to count…
when I felt the most defeated, spirit sent me on my path to deep awareness and ascension so I could stop repeating these reoccurring nightmares and reclaim my power.
‘They’ also sent me the love of my life.
But made me fucking work for it😆 #twinflamejourney
Like we all do, I got all the shit I got in this lifetime, so I could get what I needed in order to become who I was meant to be: a bright-as-fuck-light, gentle, feminine unconditional-love-leading fairy on a freakin focused unity- and love misson 😄 Independent, deeply connected, creative, expressive, balanced. Ish 😉
( it’s and on going journey for sure 😅)
So I am not in any way regretting
I am not dishonoring the 7 years of my life that I spent with the man that helped shape me into the powerful woman I am today.
Its been four years since he left me (as the perfect mirror of my relationship with myself at the time) and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I was gone.
It took me years to get over.
And I used to be so ashamed of that.
Especially Cause he moved on right away.
I had so many questions but he walked off and said practically nothing. I became a monster in my attempt to force a reaction out of him, that could prove to me that I matteret just a little and that I hadn’t been living a lie for 10 years.
A lot of stuff went down, Bless us… that I am not proud of but choose not to judge myself for.
WHAT I DIDNT KNOW at the time where it felt like all walls came craving in on me, was that the following years I would get answers on a deeper level than I could have EVER imagined. Pretty must all of them wrapped in shit.
With the awareness I have now, I know it was merely a repetition of an even earlier heartbreak I had, and decisions I made that I was destined to experience in this lifetime.
And some of the things from this relationship I didnt get until last week. Just in time for closing that chapter 😛
The breakup broke me open to discover who I really am.
And the relationship after that, opened me up to meeting my twinflame – which has catapulted me into my absolute highest soul truth and the divine universal truth as I know it.
The greatest gifts comes dipped in shit.
The art of life lies in how you see behind the shit and into the core of WHY the shit is there in the first place. So you dont have to dip the gift in shit over and over again.
None of what goes down is ever personal. We are all just each others reflections and projections of self.
AND because my soul wants to experience the most pure and divine love EVER, in this lifetime, I had to experience the opposite to the darkest depths.
So… if youre reading this K, thank you.
I am deeply grateful, and I love you for giving me the comfort I needed and for giving me the shit I needed.
For being the catalyst that woke me up. And for having the balls to leave me when I was too scared to stand alone.
I will always love you on a soul level. Regardless of any of our human shit.
And to ‘all’ the other boys/guys that brought me the exact same lessons throughout time : it was……fun and excruciating😄😅🙏🏻
The last, and what feels like the most important, thank you I will wait to say in person to you-know-who-you-are, when the time is right ❤
I now know that I was guided to New York this time around to pick up left-behind soul fragments, activations and to wrap up this carmic cycle for good. Honestly I thought I had closed the grieving chapter. But I guess not.
I have had so many awarenesses on what went down in the past and on what my purpose in life is.
My biggest themes played out in perfection – all drawing out the most epic and detailed map of how everything was supposed to unfold. And I am once again flappergasted by the divine.
I feel so blessed and powerful that I now have the awareness that my sense of safety, unconditional love and divine masculine (and feminine) comes from within first and foremost – before it can manifest as a balanced experience in my external world.
So….. I made my life’s most important vow (or rather vowS):
A vow to commit to myself.
To open up my heart again and never again keep it closed and bolt when it hurts and I feel vulnerable.
To risk being brought to my knees again because I give someone or something my all.
To never compromise myself.
To show up in life even though Its scary as fuck.
To be all in with my heart every day.�To take those I love as part of myself.
A vow to be loyal to my gentle joyfull creative soul and open my soft heart that has so much to give to this world – and to commit to the nature of my truth and expression that at times can be not so welcome in the world.
Click. I felt it. That subtle but powerful feeling inside.
The seperation within me, merging into wider wholeness. No more running after, running from or running in circles. No more power struggles. No more doubt and survival-mode. No more cencuring or belittling myself. No more turning my lights down doubting my worth.
No more detachment and push pull.
All ease, grace, faith, loving connections and stable foundations.
Who knew foundations could exite me this much!
It turns out I want to experience having a family, settling down, being a mother, getting married and having a certain predictability in my life. A soul tribe. Hoimes. Friends that I connect with in REAL life.
For anyone who knows me, knows that I used to hold on to my ‘freedom’ very insistingly..
But Gradually shifting my programming and integrating my soul lessons has literally changed everything within me.
And it created the safe feeling within me that I had been craving for three decades.
So now my soul is ready for the next experience.
My dream about divine partnership hasnt changed one bit.
Infact it has never been stronger. But now I long for it from a different place in me. Like it’s the cherry on top of my whipped cream soul cake ❤
I FINALLY aknowledged that my soul feels the most powerful in partnership with the masculine.
This is simply the most rewarding way I will experience my ultimate power as a soul on this jouney called life.
Or said in a different way: A strong lovning committed intimate relationship is the most powerful way for me to experience myself and my soul-themes in this lifetime.
So I am exited about new cycles starting. And I cant wait to get on purpose. Shift souls. Create art, abundance and flow for myself and others! To Have FUN. Follow my highest exitement, connect with soul tribe and Enjoy life!
I am grateful for what is right now and for how far I’ve come.
No matter what the future journey may hold for me.
This past month I have befriended myself, my power and the city that used to rule me, kick my ass and make me feel powerless.
And in a decade or so, I will be freakin ruling IT and kicking ass on top, in the sweetspot of my soul-purpose power.